Things that are NEVER said in the theatre

Never said by a theatre producer_550X86
NEVER said by the Producer
  • “Of course there’s enough money to go around.”
  • “We have money left over.”
  • “It’s all being taken care of. Don’t worry.”
  • “No thanks, I don’t drink.”
Photo Credit: Shelley Ginger via cc
Never said by an actor_550x90
NEVER said by the Actor
  • “Don’t…Let’s not talk about me.”
  • “I really think my big scene should be cut.”
  • “This costume is SO comfortable.”
  • “I love my shoes.”
  • “No problem. I can do that for myself.”
  • “I have a fantastic agent.”
  • “Let me stand over here with my back to the audience.”
  • “I’m sure someone told me there was a wall here, I just forgot.”
  • “Without the crew, the show would never run – let’s thank them.”
  • “No thanks, I don’t drink.”
Photo Credit: Andrey Maximov via cc
With A Megaphone By A Wall
NEVER said by the Director
  • “Wow, the designers were right on, weren’t they?”
  • “No, today is the tech rehearsal, we’ll rework that scene later.”
  • “I think the scene changes are too fast.”
  • “Of course I think that we’ll be ready in time for opening.”
  • “The crew? Why they’re just wonderful!”
  • “No thanks, I don’t drink.”
Photo Credit: Garry Knight via cc
Never said by a theatre designer_550x90
NEVER said by the Designers
  • “Of course all my drawings were turned in on time.”
  • “Yes, it is absolutely my fault that the set looks awful.”
  • “You know, you have a point there.”
  • “The director knows best; obviously I wasn’t giving him what he wants.”
  • “We have too many gel colours in stock, I can’t choose.”
  • “Of course the shop will have the costumes ready.”
  • “No thanks, I don’t drink.”
Photo Credit: Mike Tungate via cc
Never said by a theatre technical director_550x90
NEVER said by the Technical Director
  • “This is the most complete and informative set of drawings I’ve ever seen.”
  • “We built it right the first time.”
  • “No problem, I’ll deal with that right away.”
  • “I love designers.”
  • “No thanks, I don’t drink.”
Photo Credit: Steven Lilley via cc
Never said by a stage manager_550x90
NEVER said by the Stage Manager
  • “It looks as though there will be time for a third dress rehearsal.”
  • “Take your time getting back from break.”
  • “We’ve been ready for hours.”
  • “No, I called that perfectly the first time. Let’s move on.”
  • “The headsets are working perfectly.”
  • “The cue lights are working perfectly.”
  • “The orchestra has no complaints.”
  • “The whole company is standing by whenever you want them.”
  • “That didn’t take long.”
  • “No thanks, I don’t drink.”
Photo Credit: Ginny via cc
Never said by the stage crew_550x90
NEVER said by the Stage Crew
  • “Oh no, that instrument is not in the way.”
  • “There’s room for that over here.”
  • “We’ll get in early to do it.”
  • “No, no. I’m sure that is our job.”
  • “Anything I can do to help?”
  • “All the tools are carefully locked away.”
  • “Can we do that scene change again please?”
  • “It’s a marvelous show.”
  • “We don’t need this many on the crew.”
  • “No thanks, I don’t drink”
Photo Credit: Lachlan Donald via cc
We are delighted to republish Prof. John Palmer’s ‘Theatre Briefs’ series, Actor Hub hope you find them as useful as we have.
This series of short essays about acting is reprinted with the kind permission of Professor John P Palmer of London, Ontario, Canada. He wrote these ‘Theatre Briefs’ for use by students and fellow actors during classes and rehearsals. Where he has relied on material from others, they are cited.
These essays may be reproduced at no charge for non-commercial purposes. Just please acknowledge the original source (John Palmer) and his blog Eclectecon.
Also please retain the attributions included in the briefs.
You may not use these resources for commercial purposes.